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This is a second marriage for us. We are in our early 50's. We each had our children young (two his, two mine) and raised all four kids together. We never had a 'honeymoon period' without kids around. They are now all grown, married and have children. They all turned out to be great, responsible adults. We recently moved back to the area where they all live.
My husband and i are just now getting the opportunity to enjoy our lives after several years of career and financial frustrations. Our grown children think its great that grandma and grandpa are close now and want to "share" the grandchildren with us but we have gotten used to having our own lives. I am retired from 20+ years of office work and have so many interests and activities that i enjoy, i don't want to be at their beck and call for babysitting. Their spouses' parents also live nearby, and those grandparents seem to enjoy babysitting. We don't - simple as that. But those grandparents all work, so aren't always available.
We love our grandchildren and enjoy spending time with them on an occasional and individual basis, (although we do not agree with a lot of the permissive behavior our children have allowed.) Quite frankly, these little ones sometimes make us nervous and all of them at a family dinner drive us nuts!
If we were to say anything to any of them (and we have tried to hint) we would more than likely insult them and then tensions would result. We certainly don't want that. But how can we diplomaticaly explain to them (and some are worse about asking us to sit than others) that we wouldn't mind babysitting once in a while, but only occasionally and not for extended periods of time (anything more than a full day, or overnight, is way too much). We have lives too. And times have changed from when grandparents didn't have many outside interests and activities.
We have six grandchildren and more on the way. Even if we only sat with one family's kids once a month, we would still be busy every weekend. I refuse to go back to work to escape. I retired from secretarial work because i had earned the right to "do my own thing". My husband also deserves some quiet time to unwind from his hectic 60 hour work week.
Ironically our new son-in-law recently said they didn't plan to have children together (second marriage for them with one child each) because they wanted to "enjoy life after these two kids are grown". (and the difference between them and us is . .?)
I commented "I know exactly what you mean. That's why we didn't have more children, either. Between us we've spent over twenty-five years raising kids ", - but no one seemed to 'get it'.
Suggestions, please? !!!!!
Tough spot. As hard as it is, the best way to make your point is to come right out and say it, and be clear about what you want. Sure, at first
your kids may seem insulted, but chances are they'll be more bummed about losing out on a responsible, reliable babysitter, than about thinking their parents don't want their kids around. Of course, you could continue to hint at your concerns and try to make yourselves unavailable on weekends, but that whole sneaking around thing has got to be exhausting, and you retired in order to relax, not play mind games. Tell them all at once, maybe a big picnic send-off kind of thing, or at least several phone
calls within the hour - you don't want bitter gossips to beat you to the punch. Be honest and be happy too, to take the kids when neighborhood
sitters can't be found, or even volunteer when you and your husband think the few hours wouldn't be a strain. Spending time with your grandkids
should be fun - both you and they know when it's not.
"X"
The simplest and best thing to do would be to "lay it out in the open"! Tell the kids exactly what you wrote here. Stress your love for your grandchildren, your desire to have a close relationship with them, but frankly state your inability (due to energy level, other interests, whatever) to care for children at this stage of your life. Hinting, hedging, etc. will only cause hard feelings. Do, however, weigh your decision carefully. You do risk alienation from your grandchildren just because of lack of contact. And be prepared to not be your grandchildren's "favorite" grandparents just by virtue of your distance.