This is regarding My 20 yr old daughter's attitude. She has always been successful in manipulation but not with me and my husband. This was why she moved out because she didn't like to be told what to do. She successfully convince her school to graduate her even though she didn't go the last month. She has convince people to take her in even though she continues to quit jobs because she gets mad and leaves however, she able to convice people to live on them for free. She still tries to manipulate me and uses emotions to get what she wants. She'll break down on the phone. When I say no or make her mad she will have nothing to do with me. It could be months before I hear from her again. I am afraid one day that I'll say no and I won't ever here from her at all, but what is a mother to do.

I know one day this attitude will catch up to her, but I can't talk to her because she still has the mentality of a teenager. But her actions are burning me out. Now she wants my tax returns so she can use it for financial aid. She never really kept in touch when she moved out and she could be different now. I called the school and they did say they need our tax returns but I just don't trust her with that type of information. But I feel guilty since she wants to go to college now. My husband is against it as well......

I can tell from your letter (which was abbreviated somewhat due to space limitations) that you have been very hurt by your daughter's past behavior. But, the three years that she has been on her own could very well have changed her for the better. The years between 17 to 20 are very stressful years in any family as the teen tries out their independence and often pushes the rest of the family to and sometimes beyond, their limits.

The very fact that your daughter has "made it" this far on her own and is considering college, could mean that she is maturing and changing positively. Please give her the benefit of the doubt! Try to reach out to her even though it is hard to risk being hurt again. Remember that you are the mature adult, she is the struggling young adult.

As for the financial aid problem. If she has been on her own for three years and you have not claimed her on your tax returns, most colleges will accept her as an "emancipated minor" and she will qualify on her own for aid. If this is not the case, contact the school directly and submit the information directly to them with instructions that the information is to be released to you ONLY. That should take care of privacy issue.

Good luck!

"Boomer"

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I can only begin to understand how difficult your relationship with your daughter has become. It sounds as if there are many issues that have caused a distance between you both. My advice, now that your daughter has chosen to move away, would be to re-group yourself, along with your husband, and decide how you'd like to re-establish and continue a healthy relationship with your estranged daughter. While there may have been an incredible amount of pain in the past, your daughter appears to be making some effort to put her life together by beginning college and perhaps that she's keeping distance from you reflects that she wants to avoid more confrontation.

I suggest keeping open communication with your daughter and giving her a second chance without becoming caught up in her past mistakes. I would also suggest sending/faxing the necessary papers to either your daughter or directly to the college that requires such information for financial aid. That is a start to "starting afresh."

"X"