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I am a 36-year old female who has been seeing a guy 10 years younger for a little over 1 1/2 years. Since February I have been living with him and 2 roommates, and two weeks ago he and I got our own place.
I knew from the beginning that he wouldn't be too forthcoming with information about himself, and I accepted that; he has gotten better, though. After we dated for about three months I spent the night at his place and we *tried* to have sex. He didn't have an orgasm.
Since that time, we've had only infrequent sex and he's had an orgasm about half the time. It's now October 1999 and I don't remember the last time we've made love. He's played and fondled, but we've not gone all the way. I attribute some of that to our crazy schedules -- he works nights, I work days and we're both in show rehearsals. I am also on antidepressant medication that has squelched my desire somewhat, but I'm ready to try moving beyond that.
Now here's what bothers me (although snooping and finding it bothers me more) - I came across several folders with pictures of nude animated female characters and a recent porno magazine. The stuff wasn't too carefully hidden so I wonder if he wanted me to find it. Anyway, what I want to know is if I'm doing anything wrong, if I'm doing enough or what? I know I've got to work on getting my libido back, that's for sure. But now, as a lot of times in the past, I've tried to initiate sex and he's made an excuse such as "we've gotta get ready to go", etc. Is he that insecure about sex, or is it me? (As an FYI, he had sex once before he met me and broke up with that girl because he wasn't too communicative. I'm only his second relationship.)
Any help would be appreciated.
I can understand that you'd like to know if you're doing something wrong,but you're asking the wrong person. Sit down with your boyfriend in a
non-threatening situation, say over lunch or shut off the TV, and ask him! As for the file of pictures, if you simple were looking through the mail and discovered it, then ask him what that's all about, but if you were going through his drawers, then you have the brunt of the explaining to do. The contents of the file sound harmless enough, but if it bothers you by all means address it immediately!
"X"
First, you were snooping which is a clear violation of a relationship and a strong indication that more than just sex is wrong with your partnership! You wrote that the file wasn't too well hidden - well, it shouldn't have to be well hidden, you shouldn't have been looking in the first place! Secondly, it sounds like the lack of sexual desire is not on YOUR part but his. Perhaps he is simply not looking for that type of relationship with you. He IS still rather young. Contrary to popular media stereotypes, not all twenty-something men bed any willing female. With your age difference it would not be surprising for you both to have totally opposite expectations for your relationship. It's time for a non-treatening, calm discussion on where you two are going with or without each other. Forget the porno file - it's not relevant here! Good luck!